The 9 Stages of Your Office Christmas ’Do

Ahh, the Christmas office party. Arguably the highlight of the business calendar year, the works’ ’do is the hot topic of conversation for the weeks prior to- and post-Christmas. Whether you’re filled with excitement for the big night or planning on avoiding it like the plague, we’re fairly sure how the night will go – take a peek below to see…

Nobody Does Any Work All Day

The day of the party is effectively useless, as nobody does any work because "we finish at 2 anyway, so there’s not really much point, is there?". Emails are solely used to discuss outfit choices and meetings are cancelled in anticipation: someone starts putting their rollers in at the desk, and there’s a definite smell of nail varnish in the air. Should we have just stayed at home?

The ‘What Are You Wearing’ Game Begins

Because the office party is basically one big test, the invite has stipulated smart casual and everyone is having a mild panic. Julia from HR is wearing jeans, but the entire marketing department are going in black tie. There’s rumours that Gary from finance will, once again, be wearing his festive, light-up sweater that was categorically banned last year: all eyes are on him.

The Pre-Party Meal Causes Chaos

‘I only had a salad and a tonic water,’ Polly - the vegan admin assistant – complains, after the twenty minute deliberation over whether the bill should be split evenly or not. Eating a full turkey dinner in late November has left everyone in a veritable food coma, so nobody has the energy to argue: it takes a further half hour for everyone to count out their exact change. Polly, it turns out, has forgotten her purse.

Dancing = A Disaster

The company has hired one of those portable dance floors, and moved all the tables in the canteen to one side to create a makeshift DJ deck. Fuelled by a glass of lukewarm mulled wine, people are throwing themselves around to the beat of Chico Time, inhibitions to the wind and arms held high. A member of senior management shimmied a little too vigorously and has accidentally split their trousers, which makes for awkward small talk in the Monday morning budget meeting.

Love Is In The Air

Cathy and Paul have been eyeing each other up over the photocopier for the past six months, and are now embraced in a passionate clinch by the vending machine. People are, in hushed voices, speculating as to whether this new romance will last until New Year, with the majority voting for no. Sorry, guys.

Someone Falls Asleep/ Falls Over/ Has To Go Home

A few too many sweet sherries leads to their demise, and they have to be poured into a taxi with strict instructions to let everyone know when they get home. It’s not even half past nine, but things are getting raucous.

There’s Whispers Of An After Party

The complimentary fizz has fizzled out, and the buffet has depleted until just the crudités are left. The room has only been booked until ten, so it’s nearly time to head home – until someone murmurs something about an after party: apparently, Johnno in IT has a box of wine and a surround-sound speaker back at his flat, so people are thinking of getting a minibus there. The night is still young…

The Mass Facebook Photo Upload Begins

After vacating the premises, the mass photo upload begins on social media – the majority of which are blurry and/or awful. ‘OMG, delete that’, can be heard repeatedly at the taxi rank as everyone waits for their cab home.

Suddenly It’s Monday Morning Again And Nobody Can Look Each Other in the Eye

Seeing the boss do the conga in a Santa suit means that the vibes in the office are somewhat peculiar. Cathy and Paul are no longer speaking.

Going to your Christmas party any time soon? You need a killer clutch to complete your look. Here are some of our favourites…